Live life to the fullest..no matter what!

Life is Beautiful Struggle

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Life is Beautiful Struggle.

 This year had been more than wonderful! Things have been looking up even in the hard times. The one thing that I have learned is that you have give your heart completely 100% to God. I came to point in my life where i layed down face to the floor crying out to God. Telling him that i never want to be the same way anymore. I told him how angry i was, i screamed at him i cried to him. I came to realize that its okay to yell at God, he wants us to be real in relationship. God does not want us to Fan of him and just say the Lords prayer and then move on with our day. He wants a RELATIONSHIP, just like you have with your friends. Where you tell them about your problems and they talk back. God yearns that from us, he wants us to be so close to God that we hear him though out the day. Every situation every move we make glorifies him and nobody else. I have learned that life is beautiful struggle and i have to keep working at it. When the rough gets hard, the rough gets down the its knees and prays. When the Good is going the good gets down on its knees. My biggest convection is praying when i am hurt and take it anymore. But in realty, we give it to him daily in the Good and bad, and we will live a peaceful life. My life is peaceful. I give him my heart daily and love him daily.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

God is Good all the time! :)

So i went to the revival tonight! Once i walked in that Church i could not stop speaking in my prayer language. God's sprit was in there so thick, no words could really tell you how that room felt. God spoke though that pastor to me in many ways.One think that really stuck out was there was lady who asked why if you dont have home church, talking about tiths and offerings. He told her, you need to come to point where you go to one church, seat there love Jesus with all your heart and love HIS people. We have to learn to let go and let God. How is good suppose to give you blessings if you hop from one church to another. Love Jesus and love his people. Just what i needed to hear. Towards the end of the servies i got slayed in the spirt and God spoke to me and told deppresion is over with, bitterns, anry. He told me i dont need to search for happiness, joy, laughter that he all ready put it in me. So i am letting go and letting God. It had never been so real in my life.
I called my Mom tonight afterwards , I have not talked with my mom in maybe over week. We got in huge fight, if you read my first blog you would know what i am talking about. I talked to her and told her what i wrote above and she told me God is dealing with me about the whole church thing too. God is so good. I told my mom, i am letting go. I am done with the stuff bewtween. I said i still feel the way i feel, but i am letting go.
God knows what he is doing in my life, letting him control is my desire I am loved and blessed beyond measure! Thank you God! :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

You Dance over me, while i am unware,

My God Dances over me, and picks me up while i dont even realize it! Its crazy. My spirt as be broken for many weeks and i give God each things then something comes up and it hurt agian. I think why is this happen to me, your baby girl. My friend told me sometimes we froget that God does all things for the good of us. God does not want us to fail, he wants to see us happy. My dear friend said i feel as though when God see me everyday, he says look at my Kristin, so pretty, she so cute, look at her oufit, her hair, how i love her!
It breaks my heart that i never really realized, that's how he see us. To us girls he like our husband! He loves us and is jealous for us. I'm am so amazed by our God! God has given me so much, i got hired at christian based daycare. I hit off great with the directors there. God is so good to me, its just his timing that i need wait upon. Waiting never seemed to be so long, but once it gets here i know i will be so happy that i wanted. Things that happen to me, just helps me share with others and give God the glory! How i love him, how i will never let go. song by Matt Redman Never let go...
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back (
I know You are near 

Monday, April 11, 2011

1 Corinthians 15:33 " Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

I Never really understood this until, now. Bad company ruins good morals. Most of the time when people come in my life and they are weak in there faith, i think to myself okay God must of sent them so i can help them. Yes, i believe he does, but only for a short period. I have come to learn, that when people like that who bring me down, or they just don't get what I'm saying. You can tell them over and over again about what God has for them, but it goes though one ear and out the other.
I have come to learn when it comes to friends you need someone who can encourage you, and you can encourage them. Like being married you must be equally yoked, same in a friendship. If you are not equally yoked things will fall apart in the friendship, you will become frustrated upset and even hurt. Its okay to have friends, who are not no the same spirituality mature but they should not be the ones who are close to you and you get adive from.
I'm coming from heart, because i am going though this right now. i try to help her and she see me now as the problem in her relationship with her boyfriend. He just not good to her, she is crying all the time, saying how he treats her like crap. I have told her time and time again my Godly adive and it goes in one ear and out the other. I have come to the point where she just needs to learn this on her own and build a distance between us. Sometimes people need to learn on there own. It hurts my heart to do this because i love her dearly, but loving someone means letting go and letting them stand on there own.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Pslam 45:10

"Now listen, daughter, don't miss a word:
forget your country, put your home behind you.
Be here—the king is wild for you.
Since he's your lord, adore him.
Wedding gifts pour in from Tyre;
... rich guests shower you with presents 
I have come to realize that this scripture is very dear to my heart. Letting go of what my parents think of me or might say to me. Doing whats best for me, letting God in and people out of my heart. It took me almost three weeks to realize this. Like Psalm 45:10 the kind is wild for ME! He loves me he adores me, he needs me as much as i need him! God will show me and all ready has that Love that i never really saw growing up. I am sure that one day my family will be minded, with his healing hand. I just need to be the example, and if it hurts people that i am doing whats best for me, then its okay, i will pray that God will show them why i need to do this. God will put a peace in there hearts. Since he is my lord i will adore him, every once i have. :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

I May Never Understand....

Yes i may never understand, why things happen for no reason. It seems as though no matter who many times i try to better myself, things come to me and knock me down, and this time i pretty much feel like i may be on the ground for while.
I have been trying to do things on my own for while, with out my parents support is the hardest thing ever. I try to stand on my own two feet and things after things happen to me. I applied for a Daycare center at OKC Faith and they really liked everything, but i have to got pay 15 for a background check, i have no money what so ever, and asking to bower money, well i feel shamed of myself just asking people. At this point i know i love Jesus, but i feel like saying F my life. im just waiting for God to do something ..even if it something little.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Expressing Yourself.

This is my first blog ever in my life. So please be nice to spelling and grammar i am no english major.

Expressing my thoughts, never seemed to hard. Let me tell you what i am talking about.
    I  went to Haiti this spring break, oh my, my heart is still there. I lost it with the amazing people, and passion they have or Christ. Knowing that when they come to church they mean business. They have church at 10am and goes still like 1pm. When the pastor prays they pray out loud with them. They are not shameful of there thoughts to Christ, they are bold. Thinking about how us Americans are in church i am very much so shameful. When the pastor prays we bow our heads and not say a word. Don't get me wrong i am sure you talk under your breath, or in your head. I am must say i am not trying to blast Americans or anything. Looking at it Haitians don't have thing but people. Most don't have lab tops or TV's, they have nothing but the clothes on there back. Relationship with friends and family and God is all they have.  Children run up to while you are walking and grab your hand and hold on tight, they wont let go unless you let go. I reamber a child holding my hand the first day while we where doing evangelism and inviting people to church and the whole day she followed me, she never said one word she smiled at me and i hugged her and everyday since then she came and followed me that whole week.
That first Sunday we had church, that eveing serices, i had childern sitting around me, i had two little girls wrap there hands around my arms. They were trying to tell me something but because they spoke, coral(french/spanish mix) i could not understand one world. Then they pointed to there mouths and tummy and i relized they are asking me for food and water, which i could not give to them. The missionary who was running our team said dont give them anything becsue it if yo give to one child you have crowd around you . I told them i dont have anything, nowing my heart i do. They asked though out that night. It came to a point where i had to get up and leave with tears in my eyes. Once i went to the door to the church, the child who was sitting on my left got up and tryed to find me. I slid to the side of the door and hide from her. It sounds horrible but just breaks my heart telling her no. If you know me , you know i would give the clothes of my back and so much more for a child. Childern are my calling, and it hurts me know i could not help.
Jessica one our leader told me you have to understand, who have programs for them, they could be a waiting list and if they are in school they get one meal and drink while they are there. Thats the best we can do, you pray for them and God will provide. That night i prayed and ask God to heal my heart, but at the same time still have passion for these people. He did, and i became stonger and stonger each day we we there. 20 people got saved and God used me to lead to young ladies to the Lord. I never flet stronger in my faith. Haiti changed my life!

Well to fast forward little bit i got back to the states and my heart ached to go back. I went to bed once we got back and had amazing night with AC!!! lol  That next day saturday, i went out with one of girls to the movies and walk around brick-town. I went go use a the restroom and there was teen maybe 13 and she drunk it broke my heart. I really felt like God wanted me to pray for her with the girls, not with the girl but use 3. so i did, my friend Amy and Cassie who went on the trip  to haiti , well you see when i looked up they looked enbrassed that i prayed right in the middle of brick-town, i told them i am not ashamed, if God does me to do something i'm doing to do it. There was a guy who was talking about christ on a micro-phone i felt like God wanted me to tell him thank you. So i did, once i came back to the girls Amy said "whats wrong with you??" I told her I'm not the same and never will be.
Afterwords, we went to movies and we watched litmeness and once the movie was over i saw young children walk out and i said"those children should not be a rated R movie!" Amy said, leave them alone and live there own life's" i was kind of upset but blow it off. We had trash in her and it was mine and she told me to throw it out the window and i told her no, i will throw it away once we get back to school. She got mad and grabbed it and throw it the window her self. At that point i had enough! I was upset put my seat belt on turned the radio to klove and she got mad and turned it back to KJ and told me i was being childish. I looked out my window and told God i hate America. I told God i know we are blessed to live here. It hit all at once that i was not in Haiti, where the people would walk by you and would say Hello to you with out even thinking about it. People in haiti are loving and caring, becuase all they have is people not things. Coming back to the states hurt me more than words can say. I dont think about me i think about others, and i came to realize that my dear friends who did not go with me would never understand that.
I became depressed, my heart ached and i did nothing but got to class eat and sleep. That Friday after coming back my parents asked me to go out to eat with them and my grandparents, at first i said no, but mom keeped on asking and told me she wanted to see me. So invited my friend Amy with me, it was Greamn food not the best! My gradpartend where talking to my Mom and Dad was was looking right over my head. Amy lead over during dinner and said"Your parents to talk to you ask you questions?" I looked at my mom and dad and said No, not really. Afterwards leaving is said my good byes, while we where driving to the mall, her question came back in my head, They dont ever really talk to me unless i call then mom some how turnd the convo, to be about her. Dad hates when i call and says Hummm. Thinking about Haiti and the people there and the people who are suppose to be the clossed to me, not caring not one bit. The Hurt sung like someone taking arrow putting in my heart and taking it out over and over again.
Fast forward once again, That Monday i called my Mom, and told how Amy is getting Iphone, and i messed with her and told her how she should get me one and pay for the Data plan cuz i am her collage kid. kidding the whole time, she got mad thinking i was very much for real. I told no mom i am kiddng and she kept going on and on, i got upset and told her if you dont get my humor then maybe you should pay attiontion to me more offten and not turn your back to me at dinners and talk to you dad! then i hung up. i was so mad! i talk to my friends who where listeing to the who the whole thing  then went back to my room, got on facebook and saw that i had a facebook message from my dad titled 18 reason why Kristin does not need a new phone, was like okay....so i read it pretty much said i was brat and mom and dad paid 60% of your Haiti trip then you dont understand on thing. That 60% of that money came from my refund check from school dad just asked put in his names so he could take the money. anyways, i called my Dad and told him i did not like the message he sent me and told me that what made your mom so upset and he was going on and on about he phone and i told him i did not want that phone i told i am happy with phone i just what y'all to spend time with me! why is that i have to call you or mom to talk to you. i just want you guys to call me to say i love you or hi what up. Dad told me that not how we do things Kristin, i have not talk to my sisters in 3 years and only talk to my mom once a mouth. i told him that you, not me i want a realsihip with you guys! He told me once agian that's not how we do things, i started to cry and ask why, i just what some attion from y'all, he hung up on me.

My Heart was broken to pieces i was not sure what to do, my friend left to take a shower, i locked my front door and the door to my room, i found tack, and sat in front of my door and started to cut myself, i cut it many times some breaking the skin and others bleed. It seemed like the one thing i could have control over my life. I cried holding myself asking God why nobody loves me whats wrong with me. I did this that weekend cutting more and more of my wrist. I came to point in my life where i did not care, not one bit. I did not sleep that Sunday and went to school that Monday, after my 8am class i went the front doors where most people hang out till class so i did leaned on wall look outside. I saw my good friend Christie come up and said hello how are you, i said seen better days, hows yours said really quick hoping she would forget what i said. She said good and she too her jacket off. Then looked at me and said whats wrong? I told her about the weekend and parents but skipped out the part of cutting my self. then her boyfriend Sean walked in one of good friends, and he heard and Sean said Kristin why are you here? i said what? why are you here at SCU, i said to get an education, why? i said to better myself,. He said to better YOURSELF nobody else. Christie said you always told me you are here for God and your education, does not matter what people say or do in our lives. I said okay. It was time to go to class, so they came a hug and said hang in there. i shook my head and went to class. While in class i really felt the holy spirit tell me, tell her, tell her you cut yourself. I text  her and it took me three text to finally told her. she told me to get help now, if i did not she would herself. So i talked to one professor who is our Human family service adivor and told her about it and she gave a some encouraging words and came me info about the christian counselor that the school pays for the first 5 sessions. I told Christie i talked to someone and i am getting help.
This is when i realized, i need help i have lost control of my life, who i was. if i died right at that moment i knew i would got hell. I finnaly called and sit up time to see the theripist. I was beyond scared, i never really told anyone how i felt, i kept it all in, well 21 years to be exict!
The day finnaly came and i walked in the counlour office and he got me soda and asked me why are we here. At that moment, i thought this is it, i am letting go wait i want to hold, on and God said let go, so i told him everything about that weekend cutting and how my family is and why this and why that. Told him so much, and you know if felt good. He told me something that really stuck in my head Kristin you can change your parents you can pray for them, you change who they are. Thats your goal this week is to know you can change them, but what you can change is you. It was like light bulb went off in my head, yeah that's right.

so i felt pretty good that day, once the next day came, i was okay at first and then angry and bitters came up and driving during rush hour did not help any. I was so upset because i was late to bowling practice to take pictures and such. I called couches wife and told her and she said your okay breath it's not big deal your okay. you will get here when you get here. I was like okay. i felt little better but still not happy. I found a parking spot at Moore lanes then realized it had big light in it! i was like really why ever make that parking spot if you cant really park in it! so i found another one, got out when inside slammed my bowling ball down got my shoes on bowled took pictures and i felt better, then i walked up to coach and saw our new shirts with our nick name on it and i said i thought your nick name was Mr.couch he said no mine says coach and maria said Mrs. Coach. I was like oh. He looked at me and said whats going on? that words i hoped he would not say. i looked at him and said i know something like Haiti and Americans how you don't like it her now? i said it much more than that , i said i am seeing therapist and said okay and looked down and said i would rather talk in private then here he said okay.
We got done bowling we went out to coaches car and got her shirts. We walked back to our cars and coached looked at me and said you can call or text anytime me or maria. i shook my head and walked to my car. I thought my self, i really need to talk to them. So i sent a text telling him i will take your offer and come to your house and talk to y'all i said i think talking about it makes it better. i said i am emotional wreck. I text- back and said he will work soothing out, coach promise we will fix you. I looked at the text and started to cry. He cares, why does he care for me. I wanted someone to care for me, but at the same time felt worthless to care for. Crazy uh? i sad thank you. that night coming back i went to the social thing they had at the gym with door prizes and such and talking to people and realized how they ignore me and being rude hurt me. Well let you know i have not been social with that group of people for week, so it hurt. I walked back to my room having a temptation to cut myself once again. I reamber my therapist telling me to talk to friends if i feel that way or sleep, i was not tried, i knew Christie was with her boyfriend out of town this weekend. So i remembered what coached and Maria said text or call us anytime. so i did. I told her about cutting did not tell her why as much , why did started to cut. They truly helped me with encouraging words, that they love me and care for me and they want me and i was one of theirs. Thats was made me cry, i am one of yours? they loved me. Being cared for and loved so much by two people was new to me.
That next day coach text me and told me that i could come over that evening and that he would text me then and he promised i wont forget about you. so the time came where i went to there house, took little bit cuz i got lost lol yeah shocker right! once i got there we put together swing for the front proach and then then they put the kiddos to sleep and they pulled up a chair for me and he said okay whats up. I told him  and his wife everything, about the weekend and so much more. the one think that will stick in my head is this, "you are letting two people effect you yes they are your parents but think about it two people, when you so many people in your life who love and care for you. He told me are you going to church i said no not really, he said okay i will make a a promise to you, if you go back to your home church where you know you belong Maria and i and the kids will come with you. I have not gone to church in long time, dont get me wrong i love god i live for him, but going to church has been hard for me, buecause of how people are once they say something i dont like i leave. So i am making a promise and you know i wont break my proimises. we will be there at that church waiting for you and i will sit right next to you. I am doing this becuase you need to go back, thats where you be you agian.
That night changed my life more than words can say we talked for a hour and half. They are the ones who are feeling that voided or parents in my life, don't get wrong i wont call them mom and dad cuz we are like 3 years part, most of the time i forget that cuz they are so mature. They promised me that they love me and i am on of theirs! This why coach koonce became coach mid seasons, this is why this happen when it did, God is faithful and he will put people in your life to make you a better you. yes you will scars, but that does not define you, what does is what you do to get yourself out of. What you make life to be it up to you, if you want it to be a great day it will be great day. I am still seeing the therapist, I have not had temptations to cut myself, but i still have my hurts, but day by day god will heal them, A Journey of thousand miles begins with a single step.